doomsday

How have you been signing off your emails this past week?

Avoid any mysterious puddles of black oil and get your alien vaccine handy: colonization is coming.

We've all become so enraptured with Occupy Wall Street and Beyonce's baby bump conspiracy that we've lost track of the most important non-news story of the year: our impending doom!

A Queens woman left doomsday dude Harold Camping a quarter-million dollars! Unsurprisingly, her family isn't too happy.

The Rapture came and went with nary a peep, and as you can see from the above picture, Harold Camping's house is still decidedly earth-bound.

So...it seems like we're all still here. Congratulations on surviving the rapture!

Still skeptical? You're wondering why we haven't heard any reports of New Zealand's destruction, since it was 6 p.m. there hours ago? Well suck on this nonbelievers: there was an earthquake...near the South Sandwich Islands.

"If the world does end tomorrow alternate side parking will be suspended. Although I think alternate side parking will take on a whole different meaning, actually," the mayor said today.

That's great, it start with an earthquake, birds and snakes and airplanes, Lenny Bruce is not afraid.

What if you're a judge trying to maintain some semblance of