Headaches

"For too long, unscrupulous ticket brokers have used illegal bots to scoop up tickets for popular events, denying ordinary fans the chance to buy tickets at face value."

So Sandy will still be [euphemism for not-so-gently making love] with the city for years to come!

The Nets keep embracing Yogi Berra's immortal phrase, "It's déjà vu all over again." For the second time in the last year, the Nets have declared that they're done chasing after disgruntled superstar Dwight Howard.

In the interest of the most august journalism, we tested several different hangover "cures" so that you may be better prepared.

What's causing the migraines? Sources close to the campaign say, "Bachmann has implausibly blamed the headaches on uncomfortable high-heel shoes."