Last week, a Subway insurrection was sparked after an Australian man posted a photo of a Footlong sub on Facebook that showed it was only 11 inches long. This broke Sir Patrick Stewart's will to live, inspired widespread outrage, as well as a hilarious, landmark NY Post investigation into the lives of people who choose to eat Subway every other day. Now, one of those brave souls was inspired by the NY Post to sue Subway over the ridiculously unimportant scandal. “They advertise in all these commercials, ‘Footlong, Footlong, Footlong,’ and now I feel like an idiot,” said 32-year-old used-car dealer Jason Leslie. “I can’t believe I fell for that trick." Oh, NOW he feels like an idiot.
In his lawsuit, the NJ resident estimates that 25 percent of the company’s revenues come from selling Footlong subs, totaling $2.85 billion a year; the suit alleges that about 5 percent of that, or $142.5 million, represents “unfair and deceptive revenue,” based on an assumption that each Footlong is at least a half-inch short of 12 inches. It's important to note that our scientific mathification of the Post's data showed that the average Footlong is 11.6" each—that precise data was based on the Post's thorough measurements on seven specifically chosen Footlongs taken from seven of the city's 186 NYC-area locations. So obviously all of this math is completely accurate and truthy-proof.
“The sandwiches are anywhere between a half-inch to an inch shorter," Leslie said. "I feel cheated.” While he arguably has a point about Subway's advertising, let's keep this in perspective: he was cheated out of a few rancid end-bits of meat and stiff bread that he later would have regretted while contemplating existence in the lemon-painted, Dove-scented public bathroom at his used-car dealership.
But what Leslie fails to take into consideration is how many days of his life he will get back by NOT clogging his arteries with this crap. If 5 percent of each Footlong is missing, and Leslie has eaten 50 a day for the last 14 years, he's cutting his consumption every year by 2.5 whole Footlongs—if he continues this trend until he's 60, he'll have earned 150 Footlongs of his life back! Assuming one Footlong is roughly equivalent to half a day of life on this Earth (because, sure, why not), Leslie has earned himself 75 more days of living thanks to Subways alleged fraud. Which means he gets to eat another 10.27 Footlongs! So shouldn't he really be thanking them?
Leslie isn't even the only person suing Subway over the Footlong controversy—he isn't even the only person from NEW JERSEY suing about this! Attorney Stephen DeNittis filed the other lawsuit in NJ on the behalf of Charles Pendrak and John Farley: “A foot is 12 inches. They call it the Footlong, making people believe they’re getting a foot-long sandwich,” he said proudly, his very impressive law degree flapping in the wind. “If they were calling it the ‘Big Sandwich,’ or the ‘Big Kahuna,’ this case wouldn’t have been filed.”
“When you add this up over time, that comes out to be anywhere between 45 to 60 cents a sandwich over the course of six years,” DeNittis added. We're not even going to try doing the math on this one. How about this: next time you feel the urge to eat Subway or sue Subway or complain about Subway in the NY Post, consider whether you really want to be like the little girl who ate the free pieces of glass that came with her Subway sandwich.
