Atlantic City's identity as a gambling destination has imploded in on itself, the imposing glass-walled casinos now glinting husks, the ghosts of sloshed cran-vodkas still lingering in the air and up from the emetically patterned carpeting.
But those invested in Atlantic City's future—either monetarily, emotionally or both—are convinced that from the ashes, an LED-lit Phoenix can still rise. A summit held earlier this month saw several elected officials gather to brainstorm ideas to bring the deeply tanned tourists and their bottomless pocketbooks back to the bankrupt boardwalk.
State Senate Minority Leader Tom Kean Jr., who attended the summit, thinks the city should look to its more powerful, polished cousin to the west. “If you want to compete with Las Vegas, then you have to compete with Las Vegas,” he told the Star Ledger, sagely. Las Vegas allows open containers on the strip. How about allowing visitors the same privilege on the boardwalk?
“The boardwalk can be contained in the right way, in a way that makes sense for safety and for entertainment,” Kean said. “It would allow for visitors to easily go back and forth from the casinos, to the restaurants, to the beach.”
Other ideas on the table include port facilities for smaller cruise ships, upgrades to the city's airport, tax breaks for "mixed martial arts and boxing matches," big-name performances and NASCAR!
These are good ideas! Here are a few more:
Old Timey Execution Reenactments
Commemorative Trumpee (available in adult and baby)
Legalized State-subsidized prostitution
Free whip-its!
Free whippets!
"Anarchist City" rebranding campaign
Thousands and thousands of LED lights, no, more.
Shake Shack
Absolut Vodka Park
Mars Bar Redux
Naked and Afraid: Atlantic City Edition
Mr. Smallest Penis in America Contest
The Exotic Pets of New Jersey: A Taxidermy Odyssey
Pop Up Implant Booth (Breast, Forehead Only)
"Bad-Old Days" Nostalgic New Yorkers' Re-Homing Program
Atlantic City has all the raw materials required for a successful den of sin: Beach access, gambling permits and utter, total desperation to turn a profit. Let's work together to give the East Coast the seedy, glamorous, booze-filled, depraved, decadent mecca it (and we) deserve.
Could't help it.
