Yesterday we learned that at long last, Hamptons-goers will be able to enjoy their commute unblemished by the chore of transferring on the LIRR in Queens. Today we learned that the price for all this convenience is $27, which is exactly the cost for one-eighth of an inch of Sagaponack mansion and 16 percent of the cost of bail your parents will have to pay to extricate you from the Southampton PD's holding cell after a long night morning at Boardy Barn.
Is $27 for a 94-minute ride an affordable option (for those of us who care about such things)? Or, in terms more relatable to the average caviar-drenched megalomaniac—Time is Money! So what is the most effective means of escaping the stench of hoi polloi to join other millionaires and the select millionaire sea creatures allowed to frolic on the moneyed sands of private beaches?
Hampton Jitney: You already know about the Jitney. On the Jitney, you will be offered a bag of chips. You will listen to your seat companion talk, without pause, about the birthday party of her 3-year-old niece (not present) into her iPhone 5 for the duration of the ride, despite rules against cell phone use. You will see many, many pairs of madras shorts and wraparound sunglasses hung from the back of balding heads. The Jitney costs $30. According to the Times, the Jitney is the prison warden of Hampton's carriers. (You may have ONE newspaper. You may not have two snacks.) The bitch about the Jitney is that there is the possibility of traffic, meaning you might not see even a spray of sand for several hours. (For the record, this is the only option the author of this piece has ever, or will ever, experience.)
StndAIR: You know where there's no traffic? The sky. StndAir (which we originally read as "StudAIR," until we realized it was helmed by Andre, sorry, André Balazs, of Standard Hotel fame) carts Hamptonites to their destination in precisely 45-minutes for $525 each way. While the expense is obviously insane and staggering, we do respect StndAir's forthcomingness regarding the price: It is stated, under no uncertain terms, directly under the "Book a Flight" tab. Bad news, though: No golf clubs.
Helicopter: Enjoy flying, but refuse to suffer the indignity of boarding an actual plane? Liberty Helicopter will pluck you from earthbound-imprisonment and whisk you to the Hamptons destination of your choice, hurtling you through the skies using either single or twin engines. (The cost difference is substantial, but so too is the difference in time. We'll say it again: TIME IS MONEY. ) The priciest excursion you can take is the twin-engine to Montauk ($4,100) and the cheapest is the single engine to Westhampton ($2,100.) Well, the cheapest is the LIRR, but we've already been over that.
Fancy Hamptons Buses: Look, there are two options of Fancy Hamptons Buses: The Hampton Ambassador and the Hampton Luxury Liner. Both are $45, but only the Ambassador serves wine, making it an instant an incontestable winner our mind. Then again, a 40 of Olde English stuffed inside a diaper bag is less than two bucks, so it really just depends on what level of depravity you are hoping to enjoy on your commute.
What we've learned here is that there is no in between. Either you board a bus like some sort of beach-bound criminal, or you board a plane like some sort of banker, who is maybe still a criminal. What's so great about the Hamptons anyway? You know how much it costs to get to Coney Island on the subway? $2.50. See you there.
