The New York Times has expended a lot of energy advising its readers on how to best guarantee young Smithwick's admission to Harvard, but one Long Island kindergarten has that shit figured out, no prep classes required: Cancel that time-suck of an end-of-year show and get these kids some problem sets, STAT.
The 5-year-olds at Suffolk County's Harley Avenue Primary School have apparently spent enough irretrievable learning moments bumbling their way through half-memorized songs, leading school administrators to cancel their annual performance in favor of what's really important: Gaining acceptance into a top school by 18, advancing quickly in a high-powered career by 25, developing a crippling addiction to pain pills by 32 and, if all goes well, a swift, stylishly-timed heart attack by 40. That's efficiency.
As usual, the kids are unable to conceptualize the schedule change, which they would if they spent less time finger painting shitty dinosaurs and more time deconstructing Nietzsche. “She doesn’t really understand it — she wants to sing,’’ said one parent of her future deadbeat.
Here's a rambling letter administrators sent to parents on April 25:
Dear Kindergarten Parents and Guardians,
We hope this letter serves to help you better understand how the demands of the 21st century are changing schools, and, more specifically, to clarify, misperceptions about the Kindergarten show. It is most important to keep in mind is [sic] that this issue is not unique to Elwood. Although the movement toward more rigorous learning standards has been in the national news for more than a decade, the changing face of education is beginning to feel unsettling for some people. What and how we teach is changing to meet the demands of a changing world.
The reason for eliminating the Kindergarten show is simple. We are responsible for preparing children for college and career with valuable lifelong skills and know that we can best do that by having them become strong readers, writers, coworkers and problem solvers. Please do not fault us for making professional decisions that we know will never be able to please everyone. But know that we are making these decisions with the interests of all children in mind.
More like kindergulag, amirite? A petition to reinstate the show, which was scheduled to be held on May 14 and 15, has already garnered around 1,400 signatures.
