The tabloid world is a violent place, burning bright 24/7 with endlessly sustained outrage. Sources rarely say anything, but they're constantly fuming. Politicians aren't criticized; they're slammed. That policy? It was blasted. Measured restraint is the province of the New York Times. The Post and the Daily News, though, are the stuff of old political cartoons—Boss Tweed-era fat cats with puffs—no, torrents—of steam shooting horizontally from livid ears. If the tabloids are to be believed, we could power North America for several millennia on blind fury alone.
We used a web crawler to search the archives of both papers from the October 1, 2013 to March 31, 2014, picking out each instance of both the New York Post and the New York Daily News' favorite buzzwords. The search covered both the online and print product, and included both past and present tense of each word.
In total, the Daily News used the term "blast" or "blasted" 326 times; the Post used it 323 times. "Slammed" is a particularly popular choice for the News, having been used 463 times, while the Post only used it 248 times. (Of course, "slammed" has a broader use than, say, "fumed." Cars slam into poles, etc., so the comparisons isn't 100 percent fair. Plenty of things can also be "blasted"—emails, music, [REDACTED SEX JOKE])
"Fumed" wasn't nearly as prevalent as we might have thought: 67 instances in the Daily News, and 98 in the Post. According to the Daily News, 64 people have been "red-faced" in the last half year, while the Post managed to unearth 80.
Who's the Angriest Tabloid in the City? The Daily News used various tenses of "outrage" 410 times. The Post used it a comparatively meek 258 times. YOU GOING TO TAKE THAT LYING DOWN, POST?
To understand the true breadth of the entities in this city that fume, slam and exhibit general outrage, we need examples. Who's getting blasted? Rather, who isn't?
"In 2012, in a ministry video posted on YouTube, he blasted the often-raunchy “Two and a Half Men” as “filth” and urged fans to stop watching it."
"Lhota declined to comment on de Blasio’s use of his family in his latest ad but blasted Chiara’s message as misleading."
"Critics blasted the app for encouraging men to woo women with pricey gifts, but Wade insists it’s not sexist."
"The Brooklyn man who launched the Change.org petition that has garnered 13,670 signatures blasted Jay Z’s unusually weak words."
"His friends have now blasted doctors for not providing an ambulance, claiming if he hadn't been forced to bike back then his private parts could have been saved."
Fumed:
"Prosecutors fumed after the raven haired beauty recently tweeted sexy pics of herself around a swimming pool."
"“They’d rather put it into a warehouse somewhere rather than use it to send low-income kids to summer camp,” the boisterous beep fumed."
"“According to your logic I should not have Written and Directed JUNGLE FEVER because I have never lived in HARLEM and BENSONHURST. I should not have Directed CLOCKERS because I have never lived in Boerum Hill and the Gowanus Projects. I should have not Written and Directed HE GOT GAME because I have never lived in CONEY ISLAND,” he fumed before ending with a long list of Brooklyn natives whose hearts remain in the County of Kings even though they’ve moved on geographically."
"One former ally fumed: “I asked questions about how the money was being allocated. They just looked at me like I had three heads.”"
"“It’s like when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939,” Schwarzman fumed four years ago. He later apologized."
"Germanotta fumed on Twitter that he was downgraded from an “A” to a “B” rating “because we had a bad potato in a bin with 40 good potatoes.”"
""He'll be one dead young punk. I'll leave him in the street right now. I'll shoot him right now, this minute. I'll take a shower and shave (and) just to go shoot him," Santoro fumed."
"“I hope they rot in hell!” Flores fumed."
"When she stepped inside, her mother fumed, “Where were you, bitch?”"
Slammed:
"Green, 51, slammed Sharpton on Monday for “jet-setting.” He dialed it back Tuesday, saying, “We are not fighting Rev. Sharpton.”"
"Italian-American actor Tony Danza plays the role of Gordon-Levitt’s father, and the organization also slammed a particular pasta-filled family dinner scene as an "infamously racist" one."
"Carson slammed Sinatra’s coordination of the event behind his back every chance he had, and when Dean Martin showed up drunk, Carson refused to introduce him at the inaugural."
"In his 2000 memoir, “Kitchen Confidential,” Anthony Bourdain famously slammed brunch as “a dumping ground for the odd bits leftover from Friday and Saturday nights"
"She bashed those who have slammed her, claiming that many of them are probably porn viewers themselves."
Outrage:
"A giant pavilion modeled after the luxury luggage line was hauled out of Moscow’s Red Square Wednesday after outraged Russian lawmakers branded it a bourgeois “obscenity.”"
"It’d be nice to think we’d learn to pick our battles and reserve our outrage for places it could actually be useful. But I’m sure some people would be outraged I even suggested it."
"The AOL chief executive sheepishly apologized to an outraged mother who blasted him for blaming the cost of caring for a pair of “distressed babies” as a reason for cutting employee retirement benefits."
"Members of the The Satanic Temple were outraged and demanded an apology."
"Wanda Joseph, Akeelah’s mother, is outraged at the reported incident: 'You don't put a child in a closet, period!'"
"One local said she was outraged by the news."
"Villagers were outraged after finding him, inside a makeshift temple, sipping blood from the detached head of a baby that was hanging in a tree."
"The “Baby” singer was so outraged at the betrayal of trust by Voziouk that he allegedly instructed high-powered attorney Howard Weitzman to examine options to sue."
"Manhattan: Why is no one outraged that an American figure skater is dressed as a gangster with a handgun holster at the Olympics, an international event designed to promote peace? Paul W. Brennan"
"Fair Lawn, N.J.: To Voicer Paul Brennan: There is a simple reason why no one else is outraged that an American figure skater dressed like a gangster at the Olympics. Had you listened, you would had known he was portraying James Bond. He and his partner skated to a mix of Bond theme songs. Judi Zimmerman"
"Campbell first made headlines in 2008 when he became outraged that a grocery store wouldn’t write “Happy Birthday Hitler” on a cake for his 3-year-old son, Adolf Hitler Campbell."
"A wasted Oregon couple outraged about being refused service at a pizza joint attempted to burn the place down by setting fire to their moonshine, cops said."
And last but not least, Red-Faced:
"Bosses for Baseball's College World Series were left red-faced after signmakers misspelled a huge banner on top of the third base dugout."
"Red-faced moms and dads raced for the exits, and the Regal Cinemas theater fired its projectionist and offered parents free movie tickets."
"Red-faced, they decided not to seal the deal."
"And the manager was red-faced like a rare patty."
"The red-faced 22-year-old was left unable to have sex for almost two months as his penis refused to die down."
"He then returned to his soon-to-be red-faced parents to see if they could help. But as he had put them on so tightly, the family could not open themselves."
"A Detroit TV news reporter was left red-faced after she accidentally dropped the F-bomb live on air."
"A TV news anchor was left red-faced after images of a penis popped up on a screen behind his head."
"The red-faced driver told the trooper the dummy's name was "Mr. Safety," Francis said."
"Red-faced officials were forced to recall the coin after noticing that Jesus' name had been written as "Lesus."
"Red-faced Cooper retaliated by threatening to end his online friendship with his mom."
"A tongue-tied CNN anchor was left red-faced after claiming humans had hunted the dildo to extinction."
"But the pair may now be feeling a little red-faced, after the substance was revealed to only be K-Y Intense Arousal gel."
"But when the busboy came back with glasses, the blond had already taken off her silk blouse — forcing a tableful of red-faced Jehovah’s Witnesses to look away."
"But why would anyone in their right mind want a potential mate (or even just a hookup) to see them red-faced, straining and clad in sweatpants? And can you really have a romantic rendezvous while wiping perspiration off a bike, to the tune of dropping weights and grunting juice-heads?"
In the interest of fairness, we did try to turn the magnifying glass back on ourselves. But when we typed the word "cronut" into the web crawler, it exploded.
