Shortly after 8 a.m. on Wednesday, an Area Woman spotted something strange on the East River: Not the Hell Gate opening up to rain ghosts down upon unsuspecting ferry commuters, nor an overlarge Florida bird floating along on the current. No, this was something stranger, and arguably more nefarious. It was a Santa performing feats previously unknown to the Santa species: Surfing around on the river's non-waves, apparently having a ball in the cold drizzly gloom.
According to various firsthand reports, Santa continued cruising until 9-ish at least, despite conditions being abjectly bleak. It is presently unclear how, exactly, this Santa managed to stay afloat: Redditors have suggested an electrofoil, or a jetfoil surfboard, which...sure, seems plausible, although we all know it's supposed to be Christmas Spirit that powers all Santas' voyages, whether they be by sleigh or by weird water toy.
My question, though, is not so much how as WHY? Why is this Santa spending his Wednesday morning scooting around on a surfless board, amid 30-something-degree temps and the beginnings of a disheartening wintry mix? Why, when he almost certainly has more pressing obligations to satisfy right now? Why, unless this is NOT THE REAL SANTA, would he be out on the East River of all places, doing hydrowheelies, when he should be in the dang North Pole managing toy manufacture or whatever it is Santa does while his army of unpaid workers churn out Furbysnakes, etc.??
The timing is suspicious, you'll agree. Given that SantaCon's Fireball-sponsored barf boats were just banished from our shores, confining untold legions of red-suited bros to the East Village, is this some form of protest? A gloating middle finger thrown in the face of NY Waterway? A signal to sea-loving Santas plotting their course from Hoboken, recently razed by frat boy armies, to Manhattan? A convenient workaround for the bridge-and-tunnel crowds banned from binge drinking on their trains to and from the city for all of Saturday? An ominous reminder that they are coming, there is nothing the rest of us can do, the Santas will soon descend upon our city in waves of vomitous Jäger shots and Duane Reade handies and MAGA gear and public urination and other assorted crimes of entitlement?? That we can run but we can't hide because where there is a will, there is also a way, and the Santas' will to RAGE knows no bounds or bottom???
I personally am choosing to interpret it that way, as a harbinger of smug SantaCon screams to come, but it appears not everyone agrees with me. "It's sad a fella can't surf the East River in a Santa suit without his joy being overshadowed by hatred for SantaCon," says Gothamist EIC John Del Signore, who seems almost charmed by this Santa's antics. Well, maybe so! But constant vigilance, I say. So, with that in mind, meet Hydro Santa: Your timely reminder to stay the hell inside this Saturday, for this is only the beginning.
