Seven podiums, a cro-magnon moderator, and one common purpose: to be the President of Losing to Obama in 2012. Last night's GOP debate in New Hampshire allowed the candidates to show the electorate what they're made of, and it seems the short answer is: Mitt Romney t-shirts. For two hours, all five other candidates (and Newt Gingrich) bashed Obama but failed to land a blow against the Great White Hope, or even really try.
Political hyperventilators insisted that Tim Pawlenty, whose last name sounds like an expression for "gee whiz I really whiffed that one," HAD to challenge Romney to distinguish himself from the field. CNN's John King threw him the underhand wiffle ball, asking him why he's been calling the health care overhaul "Obamneycare," but he just cold pulled a Pawlenty! What are you afraid of? That Romney's gonna tie you to the roof of his station wagon as he drives from Boston to Ontario? (He will.) Just give Mitt your lunch money and go home, Timmy.
Romney himself dodged his own false predictions about the auto bailout, and when asked if he preferred spicy or mild chicken wings, he said "Spicy, absolutely." Just like JFK! Pizza magnate Herman Cain said that his quest for office was "about the children and grandchildren," leaving out the great-grandchildren, which really makes you wonder if he's qualified. And Michele Bachmann claimed that she didn't want to "interfere" with state laws with regard to gay marriage, but later claimed that she supported a constitutional amendment defining marriage between a man and a woman. Note to MicheleBot's programmers: when tweaking her Stare Matrix, you accidentally added Hypocrisy Code. May want to fix that before the primary.
Former senator Rick Santorum was notably low-key, perhaps because he'd done most of his damage on Sunday's Meet the Press, when he advocated the prosecution of doctors who perform abortions, saying, "I've never supported criminalization of abortion for mothers, but I do for people who perform them." Ladies and gentlemen, the next President of the United States a town of a few dozen batshit crazy people named "Cooter" and "Bubba"!
The next GOP debate is scheduled for July 10th in Las Vegas. Barry's BFF Jon Huntsman is expected to declare his candidacy by then, and maybe Sarah Palin's Tour Of America's Greatest Pizza Parlors will stop by to tell us how Paul Revere invented peanut butter after his famous Berlin Wall speech. Either way, what happens in Vegas, will probably be Tweeted all over the world and cause the resignation of one of those politicians, in Vegas.
