Two years after making the National Enquirer look respectable and breaking the hearts of inspired college students everywhere, we thought that John Edwards would just lay low in Chapel Hill. Maybe pick up an order of fried oysters every now and then, watch an old sex tape, just ride off into the sunset. That dream has died, as ABC is reporting that Edwards will soon be indicted for "using campaign cash to cover up an extramarital affair." Because this has never been done before in the history of American politics, ever.
Edwards met his mistress Rielle Hunter, at the bar at the Regency Hotel while Edwards was on a press junket in 2005. The two hit it off (OBVI!) and she went from making a "documentary" about his campaign to documenting his naughty parts. After getting creepy flack Andrew Young to admit paternity of the couple's love child, Edwards finally took responsibility for his actions last year, saying "I am Quinn’s father... It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me."
Edwards is reportedly "considering his options," regarding the charges, which at the moment, might be: finally canceling his subscription to Newsweek, fried oysters (damn they're tasty), sobbing uncontrollably, and making good on that promise to appear on Maury. He's also reportedly hired former White House counsel Greg Craig, who was pushed out by the Obama administration because of his insistence that Guantanamo Bay be closed—a real idealist. ABC says that a possible plea bargain is in the works, which would save this country a lot of misery when we already have plenty to go around.
