"Here they come," poet Les Claypool once sang about snowflakes, "Here come the bastards. I heard it from a confidant who heard it from a confidant. They're definitely on their way." Meteorologists may differ on the precise number of bastards headed our way, but they are definitely coming, they are coming for us all, and we must once again brace for their frosty, unyielding embrace.
AccuWeather Oracle Alex "The Word 'Snow' Is Literally Part Of My Name" Sosnowski looks within and prophesies our bitter fate:
Folks from the Atlantic coast up to the Appalachians of the mid-Atlantic and New England should prepare for a classic nor'easter... Even though the storm will move much faster through the Northeast, when compared to the South, it has the potential to bring a foot of snow in a swath north and west of the track of the center of the system. This is most likely in the northern and western suburbs of the I-95 cities in the mid-Atlantic and New England.
Oh God are we an "I-95 city"? (We don't drive.) According to a Google Maps ad there's an i95 Auto Sound Inc. in the Bronx... and we see now that this so-called "I-95" cuts right through Washington Heights! If you live up there, say your prayers and hold your children tight tonight—by morning, they'll belong to the White Walkers.
A winter storm warning is in effect from midnight tonight to 6 a.m. Friday. By this point, you know the drill.
