Blizzard Gives Staten Island's "Secession Senator" New Hope

The city's flat-footed response to last week's blizzard has given Staten Island Senator Andrew Lanza the perfect excuse to demand, once again, that his borough secede from the rest of NYC (where, you'll recall, the snow was immediately and efficiently collected from every street and airlifted to Staten Island). His first order of business when his fellow Republicans regain their majority in the Senate will be to re-introduce his existing secession bill. With piles of uncollected garbage now rivaling the snow banks' former heights, Lanza thinks the time is ripe for his constituents to liberate themselves from New York City's shackles and fly free as the seagulls that once circled Fresh Kills Landfill.

"Almost weekly, events occur that build the case for secession," Lanza tells the Staten Island Advance. "Put it all together, and the case gets stronger. For Staten Island to take control of its own destiny, secession is the only way." Lanza maintains that his borough doesn't get its share of transit or health care resources, and recent incidents—like the DOT's eviction of baby Jesus from the Staten Island ferry terminal Christmas display—have only added insult to injury.

Lanza is sick and tired of watching his borough "go begging" to the city to get a fair return on its taxes. But State Senator Diane Savino, a Staten Island Democrat, guesstimates that Islanders' property taxes would "skyrocket" $10 to $14,000 per year to cover necessary services. "Just look at what happens in the suburbs," she tells the Advance. "Public schools cost a ton of money. If Staten Islanders think that that won't happen to them, they're out of their minds." But Lanza insists, "The city makes money off of Staten Island. As our own city, we have more services and less of a tax burden."

Clearly the only way to settle this (and shut Lanza up) is through a savage, internecine civil war, at the end of which Lanza can either be hanged for treason or declared Emperor Lanza, King for Life of a Free and Independent City of Staten Island. It is his destiny.