If a place isn't reviewed on Yelp, does it even really exist? It's a haunting existential social media question, but we have been able to confirm that Rikers Island, Manhattan Central Booking, and the 19th precinct station house are all real legitimate establishments—the Post reports today that Yelp users "have started branching out from their foodie focus by writing reviews of the city's jails. According to Yelp, Rikers Island is the Per Se of pokeys, getting an average rating of 4½ stars." One reviewer who gave it five stars writes:
I had a terrific getaway on this luxurious island retreat. I had a very accommodating room with a window facing the bridge. The cuisine was fusion, with various flavors of American, French but mostly Jamaican food. Sometimes, there was some misunderstandings about the quantities served, but that's okay. I enjoyed myself playing ball with some bog sistas. I watched a lot of series and cartoons which brought an extra insight to my life. Finally, there was a lot of glamorous squatting at nights when they politely see if there's anything wrong with your room. Thank you, Rikers Island: it took me just a few weeks to realize I would never drink and drive again.
But local jails aren't the only municipal locations getting the Yelp treatment; we did a search for the Kings County Clerk's Office, and now we know to steer clear of this place! Elite Yelp user Rahsaan C. reports that "this place is hell on Earth. No matter what you're there for. Summons to testify in a case, jury duty, work/employment. I've had the absolute misfortune of all three. If you can avoid, do so at any costs. And the building itself is so dilapidated and distressed that it's no wonder everyone inside is in the foulest of moods and the customer service there is generally harsh and disgusting and unhelpful. Hideous. Not to mention the outfits people wear to court!"
And just forget about the New York City Department of Finance Parking Violations bureau. SO over. "This place used to be kind of fun," declares Alex G. "Upon first arrival, you'll undoubtedly be horrified - as it closely resembles the ninth gate of hell. DMV-style, bulletproof-cashiers as far as the eye can see, a poorly laid out extravaganza of fixed-the-ground seating, and other tell-tail signs of a bureaucratic nightmare waiting-to-happen."
Oh well, we'll always have Ground Zero, which gets four stars on Yelp, even if Toronto tourist Kent P. isn't feeling it: "I went to Ground Zero and all I got was this crappy T-shirt! Not even a single ferris wheel or whack a mole game. OK, fine- I get it, not that sort of place. But honestly, don't bother making a trip to check it out if you're a tourist, it's just a lot of people and some fences. Taking their time to fix this, aren't they? When's a memorial going to go up?" Worst atrocity site ever?
