We've all been there: your friends are over for the first backyard BBQ of the season, and you're not sure how much lighter fluid to use or when exactly to put the meat on, and the next thing you know you see a bright light and hear a paramedic's voice whisper "skin grafts." That's why the grillmaker Weber has a hotline for confused and emasculated grillers who need a little guidance—and the week leading up to Memorial Day weekend is their "busiest weekend of the year."

The Times follows Janet Olson, a 14-year veteran of the "Grill Line" and one of the 40 "grilling experts" (most of whom happen to be women) who talk down edgy men who are on their way to botching the cookout with the finesse of a hostage negotiator. Blinded by machismo, it's tough to swallow that women often know the remedy, as Olson says: "You'll tell the man the answer, and in the background you can hear his wife say, 'See, I told you so.'"

In addition to Weber's hotline, the company also has The Weber Grill Academy, which teaches its students "the definition of a flavorizer bar" and "the importance of a damper system in a charcoal grill," so that they can avoid the hotline altogether. This seems unlikely, given the American man's propensity to find weirder things to grill: "'So I've got this squirrel,' one caller informed Ms. Olson. 'So how do I cook it?'" It seems that spending too much time in a fancy New York City studio has weakened Mike Huckabee's squirrel-grilling abilities.

In case you're in "clueless drillmaster denial" and can't bring yourself to call the hotline, check out our brief guide to summer grilling, and read these tips from the ADA on avoiding food poisoning when enjoying those "I swear that pink stuff means it's medium rare" steaks:

1. Wash your hands often -- for at least 20 seconds in warm soapy water -- before, during and after handling food outside. A bottle of hand sanitizer by the grill will help you if you can't get to a sink.

2. Separate raw meats from ready-to-eat foods and keep them in separate containers to avoid cross-contamination.

3. Make sure you cook your food to the recommended temperatures -- use a food thermometer to make sure -- and refrigerate food promptly.

4. Scrub the grill and the utensils you use to cook food with, and don't forget to clean coolers and other containers. Use hot soapy water.

5. Don't use the same dish towel over and over because it can spread germs. Use paper towels -- don't reuse them -- and only use dish towels to dry dishes and hands.

6. Don't use the same brush to baste raw and cooked meats and boil leftover marinade before using it to season cooked meats.

7. Keep food cool with plenty of ice or ice packs and use a refrigerator thermometer to make sure your cooler is below 40 degrees F.

8. Don't allow food to be outside too long: in hot weather, 90 degrees F or above, an hour is the limit without refrigeration.