It's gotta be hard being a rat with viral ambitions in this post-Zardulu city, in which the nature of reality is always in question and mysterious puppetmasters incept the waking world with beautiful dreams of lizard people. But as Albert Einstein said, reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one filled with conniving rats and guru-like pranksters, so might as well roll with the donut rats.
The latest missive from the front lines of the rat vitality wars features Pita Rats: two rodents who are able to put aside their differences to try to drag a flatbread up the stairs at the Herald Square station, then promptly lose interest. Theirs is a story of unity, companionship, determination, and that special moment when you suddenly realize you're in way over your head and decide to bail.
"It's like the rats are struggling to outdo one another now!" Laura Duch, girlfriend of CNN producer Elise Zeiger, told CNN about the footage she allegedly captured. "The new bar has been set for NYC rat stamina." And yet, after all their efforts, the rats abandon the pita there for seemingly no reason, as if Zardulu is beckoning them back to the top of the stairs. Just as alarming: who the hell even eats plain pita on its own??
This brings up a few questions: has Zardulu infiltrated CNN? Is Duch secretly in cahoots with Zardulu? Is Duch Zardulu herself, or has Zardulu perhaps inhabited the form of Duch? Did Zardulu hypnotize Duch into believing she took the video when really Zardulu staged the daring pita heist in a closed studio at the Brooklyn Navy Yards?
Regardless, people should stop throwing perfectly good food on the ground. And Pizza Rat remains the worst.
