[UPDATE BELOW] Williamsburg, which long ago crossed the Rubicon into self-parodying hellscape of crotch-hugging Lycra unitards and professionally sharpened pencils, has propelled itself ever deeper into the rabbit hole with its latest offering to the Times Style Section gods: a store specializing in artisanal chutney.
Called Kumar's Classic Artisan Chutney, the shop(pe?) will be located on the corner of North 3rd Street and Kent Avenue, occupying a storefront not blanketed in graffiti or hidden away in a fetid alley, but in what appears to be a new, fancy and rather expensive ground floor condo retail space more fitting for something truly depressing, like a CVS... Actually, there's one of those right up the street, and a Duane Reade a block away.
Unlike, say, hand-pulped toilet paper, chutney, if properly executed, has the potential to earn a meaningful place on our kitchen table made of reclaimed wood from the doors of 19th century London fortune teller parlors. Comprised of various combinations of vegetables, fruits, herbs and spices, chutney is actually relatively nuanced (for a condiment) and therefore conceivably worthy of its own store, and artisans!
Don't get too excited, though. The flier for the store was printed in Comic Sans, and everyone knows that Comic Sans is the TGI Fridays of fonts, which doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the quality of the product itself. After all, if the easy-to-mock-but-actually-tasty Empire Mayonnaise only opens its doors once in a blue moon or "by appointment," how is this place going to survive? On the strength of the word ARTISANAL, that's how. Say it ten times fast and feel your ribs expand with power and prosperity!
Update: You guys, we've been had. Artisan chutney is apparently nothing but a great myth, a witty prank played upon us and the world by some rascals intent on causing our mouths to water in vain. Another tipster notified us that a new sign, professionally printed and not even in Comic Sans, foretells not of lovingly hand-crafted chutney, but Odd Fellows Ice Cream Co. , which as far as we can tell appears to be...lovingly hand-crafted ice cream. Even the great Television Oracle Pat Kiernan was fooled, tweeting wryly about the chutney only to be smacked back into place by Odd Fellow's purveyor Sam Mason.
According to Odd Fellow's Twitter, the ice creamery will be arriving this summer. Here's a photo:
Courtesy of Satya Patel
