The Best.
Frozen pizza is delicious. It's often better than delivery, because it hasn't traveled miles on a bike, you know what's in it, and you know nobody's grubby hands have been on it post-oven except your own.
But frozen pizza is not about crust, sauce, cheese, or toppings. It's not about mouthfeel or flavorbomb technology. It's not even about the best ingredients. Frozen pizza is about nostalgia, and for that reason, no two human beings would ever agree upon the same list. (That said, this list is correct.) I have been asked, because of my oft-proclaimed love of frozen pizza, to share my very strong opinions on the topic with Gothamist readers, and after a little research (yes, I actually did research, on a recent vacation) and a lot of pondering, here it is.
7. Trader Joe's (any pizza). Look, I am a certified Trader Joe's geek. The Fearless Flyer is one of my favorite print publications. I go there at least twice a week. But their pizzas generally suck. Why? With pretty much every type of pizza, even the non-thin crusts, the crust doesn't rise! Or if it does, it doesn't enough. Welcome to this theme, by the way, which will be part of this entire list. It's 2017. We have the technology: frozen pizza crust should rise.
6. Amy's. Ah, Amy's, the "healthy" frozen pizza. Amy's is the pizza you buy when you're trying to diet but also hungover and you promise yourself you'll only have ⅓ and that it's okay because it's organic, but you know you're going to eat the whole thing over the course of the afternoon, so you may as well just go all the way and get a good old-fashioned American frozen pizza that has no pretense of wholesomeness. Also: wayyy too chewy! Pizza should never be chewy. (One thing, though: this list is for the occasional frozen pizza consumer. If you're having a lot of it, the organic trade-off is probably worth it.)
5. California Pizza Kitchen. I appreciate CPK's dedication to trying unusual flavors, and they do a lot with toppings, but again, their pizza crust doesn't rise enough. (See also: most Newman's Own, Whole Foods brands.)
4. Jenos Crispy n' Tasty. I know a woman, a foodie. Food is her job, and she has exquisite taste. But once a month, usually when her husband is out of town, she buys herself a Jeno's and goes to town after the kids are in bed. Jeno's is unique on this list because it kind of has its own taste going on that isn't quite... pizza, is it? It's something else. It's its own thing that conjures up summer afternoons playing video games and eating more than one at a time because you were a growing boy or girl. This entry is the only one that, as I write this, is making my mouth water.
3. Stouffer's french bread pizza. Have you ever eaten BOTH? It's been a long time for me, but yeah, it's happened. Stouffer's is an excellent hangover pizza. The sauce-to-cheese-to-crust ratio is perfect, and it gets WAY crispier than many pizzas can. (Never do the microwave thing! Patience is a virtue!) It's never soggy or chewy. It's a good, solid pizza. Just make sure you don't try to make one box for more than two people or resentment will brew.
2. Freschetta. I'm old enough to remember a time before Freschetta. In my memory, Freschetta was the pizza that really ushered in the yeasty rising crust era. I was in college and Freschetta was the "expensive" frozen pizza, but I babysat for this lady who would buy TWO for me and her two kids every Thursday night, and she even had a pizza stone, and she basically didn't even need to pay me—I would have come just for the Freschetta. Freschetta is another one of those pizzas that has its own distinct flavor. To compare it to a delivery brand, Freschetta is similar to Papa John's in that you can walk into an empty room and immediately know that there was Papa John's in it recently. It's not quite to that level, but you know what I mean.
1. DiGiorno's. You knew this was coming, right? "Surely, she knows about DiGiornos!" "Is she going to diss DiGiornos completely? That's cold," etc. There are several reasons DiGiornos makes the best frozen pizza. As mentioned before: crust. People like carbs, and if you're going to have a carb, I say go all the way! (This is why I don't ever waste a carb on something like plain white rice.) But what really sets DiGiornos apart is the sauce! What's in the sauce? It's so good! Is it red wine? I think there's a little red wine in there. Lemon juice? Spices? Something about the sauce is balancing the tartness and the sweetness with just the right amount of acidity. And don't just take my word for it: I recently served a variety of frozen pizzas to a group of young-side millennials: the first pizza to disappear? This one. And admit it: the last time you burned your mouth on frozen pizza sauce, it was a DiGiorno's. I rest my case. (Though nobody is going to mistake it for delivery.)
N.B.: To enhance the flavor of any frozen pizza, keep Penzey's Pizza spice around. (The regular "Pizza" one, not the "Frozen Pizza" one, confusingly). It actually makes almost anything taste like pizza.
