Oh, hi New York restaurateurs! Take a seat. You may have guessed by now that you didn't win a Jet-Ski shaped like Mario Batali. But everyone in this room loves you very much, and we're all here to talk to you about your budding addiction to boutique, meatball-themed restaurants, and why it has to stop.
We understand what you're thinking: "Hey, there are only a few meatball-themed joints. Like the Meatball Shop's three locations or the Meatball Factory, or Donatella's Meatball Wagon. What's one more meatball place in the West Village?"
Those are the words of someone who has never spent the entire day in the corner of their apartment, scratching at the marinara stains on their arms and reading PR pitches promising you'll have a "ball" once you "try the chef's special, spiced meat."
Well, if it's puns you crave, then how's this: we have the "balls" to "meat" you face to face with your trend restaurant addiction. It's time to lay off the "sauce" (this hurts us more than it hurts you).
Sure, the Meatball Shop is always packed. But they're pioneers of a genre, a well-oiled machine that rode the meatball zeitgeist into the city's bloated, beefy hearts. And that was in 2010. The meatball era is dead. Oh, you're opening up a meatball shop? Cool! Have you heard of this new speakeasy that doesn't even look like a bar, where you can eat high-end burgers with this stuff called sriracha?
If you want to beat a dead Italian-American horse, discover how to make a better slice of pizza for a dollar, or open up an arancini cart, or hell, maybe even serve horse!
The next time you get the urge to open another meatball restaurant, remember this: Meatballs was fine. Meatballs 2? Serviceable. People even paid to see Meatballs 3. But when was the last time you heard someone say, "Man, they made so much money making Meatballs 4. Mankind really needed that"?
