Get Cultured, Stuffed, And Loaded On The LES For $30
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<p>For <a href="http://gothamist.com/2011/06/28/100_reasons_why_brooklyn_lives_up_t.php">every reason that Brooklyn is cool,</a> there are 300 rats on the Lower East Side that are cooler still. Say what you will about it during peak B&T hours; for the money, there is no other neighborhood in Manhattan that epitomizes the city's filth, culture, and history so beautifully. Here's how we get tipsy and glutted on the Lower East Side for $30.<br/></p>
<p>Begin your afternoon at <strong>Atlas Café</strong> on Clinton Street, and leave your laptop at home. Ensconced in gnarled old wood, Atlas is like hanging out in a Keebler Elf tree if they all had MFAs and played <em><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brilliant_Corners">Brilliant Corners</a></em> on loop. Tourists ask the friendly counter folk where the Tenement Museum is, while regulars pop in to grab their third cup of coffee of the day. $4 gets you a superb bagel with cream cheese (H&H, but we're not sure how they maintain their supply) and a large cup of coffee. Savvy customers realize that many of the people living in the nicer apartment buildings in the neighborhood often leave their <em>Wall Street Journals</em> and <em>New York Times</em> behindâ¦<br/></p>
<p>Now that you're full of vigor, walk down Stanton to <strong>Sarah Roosevelt Park,</strong> where there is surely a basketball or soccer game to be had. If you're one of those "active" types, ask them to pass the rock. Or just sit and sigh at life's impermanence. In the warmer months, we've seen roosters strut around the park's community garden, and bike polo warriors duke it out in an asphalt pit.<br/></p>
<p>RESIST the urge to walk into the Whole Foods across the street, as you will be liberated of your remaining $26 by blood oranges and kale chips.<br/></p>
<p>All of that running/sitting has made you peckish? Very well, that is why the Great LES Deity (we call him Ratgor, Lord of the Drain) gave us cream puffs. Specifically, <strong>Panade's</strong> cream puffs. All of the <a href="http://panade.com/food">Eldridge Street shop's pastries</a> are made by the owner, Yvette Ho, who serves them with fresh fruit and custard for $2, or if you're the savory type, meat, cheese and greens for a bit more.<br/></p>
<p>In addition to making a mean cup of coffee and a meaner pastry, Yvette is one of the nicest people we've met and seemingly knows everyone on the block. Take a seat on the bench outside to watch 7th Precinct cops take a coffee break or peer into a dirt window at a mahjong game that has been going on since before you woke up (noon).<br/></p>
<p>For some folks, not shopping for something by 3 p.m. on a Saturday is failing. Do NOT walk back to a Ludlow boutique and spend $78 on a leather case for your flask. There are plenty of <strong>dollar stores</strong> around Grand Street that are happy to accommodate your urge to splurge, and many have items that you actually need. Have you been scooping your homemade soup out with a coffee mug? Grab a $2 ladle. Need soap? Dove is 99 cents a bar. Lightbulb burnt out? Need an extension cord for your waving cat? They've got you covered.<br/></p>
<p>Celebrate your purchase with a $3 draft at <strong>Iggy's.</strong> Sure, it's likely to smell like vomit past 12 a.m., but on a Saturday afternoon, Iggy's is a delightfully unpretentious bar on a block swarming with 4-inch heels and Old Spice aftershave. Besides, you don't want to get too much harmful sunlight on your translucent skin, and Iggy's is the giant, pitch parasol keeping you safe.<br/></p>
<p>Feeling lightheaded? Ignore your body's pleas long enough to make it down to <strong>Sheng Wang</strong> at Canal and Eldridge, which has the <a href="http://gothamist.com/2011/10/04/noodle_soup.php">best hand-pulled noodle soup in the borough.</a> For $5-6 (depending on what animal you want chopped up into little pieces, we like duck) a piping hot bowl of nourishment is brought to your table in 5 minutes flat.<br/><br/>If it's Monday (your sick days don't roll over, you know), walk across the street for a free tour of the <strong>Eldridge Street Synagogue.</strong> If not, coax a cute tourist to buy you a ticket in exchange for advice on how to spend $30 in the Lower East Side. Don't feel like Chinese food/grifting tourists?<br/></p>
<p>How about Greek? <strong>Souvlaki GR</strong> on Stanton makes a damn fine veggie gyro for $4, suitable for sopping up the poison you'll be pouring down your gullet later. But for now, it's time to scratch your wispy chin staring at some ahhhhrrrtt.<br/></p>
<p>ATMs and <strong>art galleries</strong> are the neighborhood's most invasive species, but at least the latter is usually free. Around Eldridge and Delancey there's James Fuentes, LMAKprojects, and Woodward, and a little further southwest is White Box. On Orchard below Grand there's Rachel Uffner, Lesley Heller and BOSIDAMJANOVIC. For galleries above Delancey, go <a href="http://www.yelp.com/search?cflt=galleries&find_desc=&find_loc=Lower+East+Side%2C+Manhattan%2C+NY">here.</a> Some of it's inspiring, some of it's lame, but hit it on the right night (usually a Friday) and there WILL be free wine in plastic cups.<br/><br/>If reading a 800-word artist's statement about "neo-Marxism as applied to Family Matters" isn't your thing, just walk a little slower to check out some of the city's best graffiti: <a href="http://www.boweryboogie.com/tag/jim-joe/"><strong>JIM JOE,</strong></a> <a href="http://gothamist.com/2012/01/12/photos_hanksy_gets_his_first_galler.php#photo-1">Hanksy,</a> or people who draw penises in Kate Moss' hands: it's all art, baby. <br/></p>
<p>That gyro/bowl of flesh-noodle-broth you just consumed may begin to make you feel pinguid, as if you need some sort of healthy organic matter in your bloodstream. Head to the <strong>Essex Street Market.</strong> Grab a cheap piece of fruit or a broccoli spear and stop whining. <a href="http://gothamist.com/2011/12/31/californians_shut_up_brooklyn_tacos.php">RESIST the urge to eat a Brooklyn Taco,</a> as your impending alcohol binge is more important than eating properly. If you need to make a bowel movement, <a href="http://www.imposemagazine.com/bytes/q-tip-takes-shit-in-starbucks-kanye-west-laughs">head to <strong>Starbucks</strong></a>.<br/></p>
<p>When you're ready to get serious about imbibing, <strong>Local 138</strong> on Ludlow has one of the best and longest happy hours in the city. From 5-9 p.m. they pour $3 drafts, rails, and glasses of wine. No PBRâwe're talking Anchor Steam here, people. They also have nifty private booths ideal for people watching and close-talking your date (you're going Dutch) in privacy.<br/></p>
<p>For a slightly more laid-back scene, <strong>Cake Shop</strong> has two-for-one drinks from 5-8 p.m. and plenty of old couches to lounge on. This is an excellent place to hang out & not have to raise your voice. If it's hoarseness and GLAMOUR you desire, head a little further up the street the <strong>Max Fish,</strong> where the drinks are priced right ($3 PBR all night) and the high cheekbones are more plentiful. Every time a guy in a backwards cap gets angry at the pool table for eating the cue ball, take a drink.<br/></p>
<p>Now that you're tipsy, you may have a hankering to hang out at your uncle's fetid basement on Long Island. As the train will break your budget, <strong>Welcome to the Johnson's</strong> should suffice. There is always a crowd at this bar, no matter what day of the week it is, and it is the cheapest ($3 PBR/$2 happy hour) meat market in the neighborhood. We've seen nicer bathrooms, but it's not like you're doing anything but making out in them.<br/></p>
<p>You're drunk! We did it! Time to celebrate with some crispy, perfectly greasy sesame bread and pork dumplings at <strong>C&C Prosperity Dumpling</strong> on Clinton ($2) or a dollar slice at <strong>Champion Pizza</strong> on Rivington. As dollar slices go, this one easily passes as a $2 slice.<br/></p>
<p>If you've done this $30 tour right, you'll have found someone at The Johnson's to buy you more booze and return to the bathroom with...<br/></p>