Time's running out to find that perfect gift to give your special someone this Valentine's Day, something that says, "I love and value you as a person," not "This was the last pack of Skittles left at Duane Reade." Does frighteningly realistic animal excrement send the right message? Do giants balls of wastewater turn you on? How about some hot, hot second amendment action? Or—if none of the above—how about a spoon?
Don't worry, this isn't just any spoon. This is a gorgeous, red lacquered plastic spoon from Dairy Queen! Look at that extra long handle, aching to be gently caressed between your lover's fingers. That smooth, round head just begging to be enveloped between two soft lips. Imagine the way the spoon will look as it gently—so gently—parts the layers of soft serve and red velvet pieces in the Cupid Cake you procured for just this moment. Turned on? A group of Dairy Queen brand executives nod knowingly.
To give your lover the thrill of a lifetime, head over to DQ's website, where they're selling the spoon for $4.99 (plus shipping!) To really underline the thoughtfulness of this gift, each spoon comes "lovingly encased in beautiful red velvet fabric...resting on a white, satiny pillow" inside a "keepsake jewelry box." They won't know it's not an expensive necklace until the very last second! Score!
When the crestfallen looks morph into seething rage, simply explain to your partner that net proceeds from the spoons benefit Children's Miracle Network Hospitals. Remember: it's not a real holiday unless you make a loved one feel both disappointment and shame!
