According to the people we really hope will toss us a Facebook invite to their Super Bowl party at their cool mansion in East Williamsburg, Bud Light Platinum has become the beverage that Suits You. Its perfect blue bottle sits between drinkers who are both mired in the recession (red: Budweiser) and those who pretend it actually ended (green: Heineken), and it tastes like scoring a phone number while paying off an AmEx bill. But Anheuser-Busch InBev (we'll call it "A-B" or "Father") watched Budweiser lose its number two position to Coors Light, and its share price has dropped in recent years. So during the Super Bowl next month, A-B will debut Budweiser Black Crown, a "golden amber lager" that "features more body, color and hop character" than Budweiser and sports a 6% ABV.

A-B eschewed the normal process for choosing a new beer, which involves burning various beer labels until the correct combination produces white smoke out of the chimney in Buschville, St. Louis, and incorporated the concept into their Project 12 website. Long PR story short, LA brewmaster Bryan Sullivan's beer "won" the hearts of 25,000 test subjects, and Budweiser Black Crown was born.

We're not sure why they called it "Black Crown," but it may be an allusion to Dude Hrothburg The Chillest, a Danish king who slayed a dragon and turned it into a mechanical bull that his subjects rode to great merriment. According to ancient sea scrolls, if you stayed on the mechanical-dragon-bull for longer than 45 seconds (all of which were burped out in unison by the patrons at Hrothburg's pub) you were awarded the Black Crown Of Honor, which was basically a weird black stick that made a circle and got you a free beer.

A more likely scenario is that thirty psychologists told A-B that after a battery of tests (and taking a peek at Miller Genuine Draft's test answers), the phrase "Black Crown" and the color black caused a quickening of the pulse and a slight parching of the throat. “Our research shows that after beer drinkers try Budweiser Black Crown, 84 percent would purchase it,” Budweiser's senior brand manager Nate Scudieri says. The other 16% are presumably Communist Spies too busy working on the Secret Rocky Mountain Railroad That Will Destroy Freedom to enjoy Budweiser Black Crown.

The details surrounding the Super Bowl commercial are hush-hush, but it will be directed by Samuel Bayer, who WON AN EMMY for that Chrysler ad that used an eleven-year-old Eminem song. Bayer also directed Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video. On a related note, Kurt Cobain once told an interviewer, "We don't drink Budweiser…the stuff tastes like piss, it's not even real piss with really good vitamins its just watered down piss."

But remember, Kurt Cobain was talking about Budweiser, not Budweiser Black Crown, which he would probably write a song about.

Enjoy this preliminary commercial while you prepare your wallet to open for Budweiser Black Crown, which is in stores on January 21, 2013.