Good morning! (Afternoon, realistically.) Welcome to 2015. You feel like shit. The only realistic option for you now is to keep on truckin', and by truckin', I mean drinking.

Good hangover drinking means specifically avoiding any of the alcohol that got you into this mess in the first place, so neither Bellini nor Kir Royale will pass those parched lips today. You need something against which your body won't reflexively revolt, but with a sufficiently high alcohol content to quell your thrashing stomach.

Bloody Mary

There is no hangover on Earth that a Bloody Mary can't defeat handily. I like the ones at Congress in Cobble Hill and Pine Box Rock Shop in Bushwick, because both come with enough vegetation and speared meat to keep you sated until tomorrow, when the color has returned to at least the left side of your face.

Spiked Apple Cider

Spiked cider is alcohol that masquerades as not-alcohol. It feels homey and warm, which is everything you are not—you, my friend, are a pallid corpse human. Drink the cider, then order a second, pouring this one over your head. Having now scalded your retinas, you will forget all about your hangover. Bitte!

Shots

This is a boss move if you wake up in a room full of people passed out across various floors/chairs. Here, there's an important decision to be made: Do we join the foppish, consumptive masses at "brunch," where we'll make mumbled small talk about how much our faces hurt? Or do we keep the party going. Around here, we keep partying. Read on, player.

Step 1: Wait until at least 75 percent of the room is at least semi-conscious. You don't want to do this in vain.

Step 2: Don the nearest fur coat. (Someone will have one; someone always has one.)

Step 3: Make eye contact with the closest partially drunk bottle of Cuervo. Walk toward that bottle and pick it up. Scan the room. Do you have the facial dexterity to wink? Of course you do—you're still drunk! Wink.

Step 4: Throw your head back and chug that bastard. Just one big gulp—no more. Puke is the number one cause of more puke.

Step 5: Revel in the sweet sound of impressed gasping.

Step 6: Extend the bottle in offering. Who else will take the plunge to party town? (Someone will take the bottle.)

Congratulations! You have restarted the party in six easy steps. You'll drink that cider tomorrow.