Would you believe that people who yearn for human contact by mindlessly trolling through dating websites judge potential mates by superficial factors? Well, put down that coffee before you spew it everywhere in stupefaction, it's science! According to a "study" of 12,000 adults on the European dating website eDarling, people whose names had "intrinsic attractiveness," like "Alexander" or "Charlotte" had 102% more profile visits than total weirdos named "Kevin" or "Mandy." You were right all along: everything is your parents' fault.
"Negative names evoke negative interpersonal reactions, which in turn influence people's life outcomes for the worse," the study, presumably underwritten by the Johnny Cash Institute, reads. This leads the researchers to conclude that a bad name "may actually make you lonelier—and dumber." Other factors that lead to loneliness and stupidity? Trusting studies of internet dating sites.
Another trend "indicated those with 'unfortunate' first names were generally more likely to smoke, be less educated and have lower self-esteem than those whose names were attractive." But are we talking "Gunther" unfortunate? "Booger" unfortunate? Or "Hitler" unfortunate?
We can certainly empathize with those who have "unfortunate" names (shout out to our brothers at Similarly-Named Cartoon Characters Amalgamated Local 566!) but if you truely have a terrible name, you can either own it, or change it. Just ask Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.
