Forget what time the Super Bowl begins, forget what time the Super Bowl ends, forget anything about the actual game and the alleged wings shortage and anything about concussions—a large portion of the hundred million+ people who will watch tonight's Super Bowl broadcast will be most heavily invested in whether we will be hearing "Bootylicious" at halftime.
In case you missed the press conferences or the rehearsal videos, Beyonce will be the featured performer during this year's halftime show in New Orleans. It's been rumored that Destiny's Child will reunite for part of the performance, and it's also been rumored that Destiny's Child won't reunite for it. It's been rumored that Beyonce may perform a new song, that Jay-Z will come out for "Crazy In Love," that she will lip-sync, that she won't lip-sync, and that she is really a pawn of the Illuminati. Some people are even nervous that Justin Timberlake may make an unwanted appearance.
But the point is, this is the thing that America can agree on—or at least, it's the one thing that the media can agree to hype (especially in a year when players involved in the actual game are making idiotic homophobic remarks. Nobody wants to think about that too hard). Even when artists we love dearly play the Super Bowl (ahem, BROOOOOCE), the format for the 10-14 minute performance almost always ensures an awkward, medley-necessary, and ultimately unsatisfying experience.
And yet, in all the years that we've been paying attention to these things (uh, ZZ Top performed in 1997), we don't remember any other performance that has inspired as much rumormongering and frenzied speculation as this one. Just look how enthusiastic these people are, despite having no real information:
- Beyonce's Super Bowl Halftime Show: What To Expect—MTV
- Beyoncé Super Bowl 2013 Halftime Show Preview: 5 Things To Expect—International Business Times
- Super Bowl 2013: What will Beyonce sing?—LA Times
- Beyonce Drops Hints About Super Bowl Halftime Show—ABC
- What should we expect from Beyonce's Super Bowl halftime show?—Boston.com
- Super Bowl 2013 Halftime Show: Will Beyonce top Madonna's 2012 record audience?—Michigan Live
- Beyonce Lip-Sync Will Fuel Super Bowl’s Halftime Audience—Bloomberg
- This is Beyonce's Super Bowl—ABC
- Beyonce's Super Bowl halftime performance preview: A minute-by-minute breakdown—USA Today
We are a nation united under one banner: "Countdown" is an awesome fucking song. Having said that, we're starting to think that Beyonce may want to consider getting a restraining order on Bleacher Report. For a sports website, they seem a little too psyched for the halftime show.
- What Songs Will Beyonce Perform at the Halftime Show, and Will Jay-Z Join Her?—Bleacher Report
- Beyonce Super Bowl Halftime Show: Power Ranking Cameos We'd Like to See—Bleacher Report
- Beyonce Super Bowl Halftime Show: Complete Primer to Pop Star's Greatest Hits—Bleacher Report
- Beyonce Super Bowl Halftime Show: NFL Made Smart Move Choosing Popular Diva—Bleacher Report
- Super Bowl Halftime Show 2013: Where Beyonce Will Rank Among Recent Acts—Bleacher Report
Oh yeah, in case you want to avoid all the footballing and just tune in for the Beyonce, we're going to give our educated guess—based on what time previous performers went on, mixed with the fact the first half of the Super Bowl is generally very commercial-heavy— that Beyonce will go on at 8:11 p.m. EST.