iPad and iPhone thefts are up by 44% from last year, but what if the Transit Gods want to make your day and bestow an iPad upon you, to make up for the fact that your goddamn MetroCard de-magnetized for the third time in a week? Alas, that would actually be the work of teenagers, who have got to stop ruining everything for everyone.
Also, can we get more of a payoff? A nut-canister snake? Or a real one? Something? And their designation of the victim as an "asshole" unintentionally illustrates what's wrong with the NYPD's Operation Lucky Bag: who wouldn't pick this thing up? Or maybe you're just an asshole for thinking something good could happen to you on the subway.
