Your Summer 2012 Top 10 Blockbuster Movie Guide!
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BattleshipâLet's just say that yelling "B-4" wouldn't make much sense in this film. Opens May 18. Pro: We really do want to support the former cast and crew of Friday Night Lights (Landry, Riggins, and director Peter Berg) in all their endeavors, no matter how ridiculous. And if Liam Neeson utters "You sunk my Battleship," wouldn't that justify the $209 million budget in and of itself? Con: This looks a lot like Transformers, but with Rihanna instead of John Turturro.Air Conditioner Worthy? Only if you prefer your board games with a slice of Michael Bay-esque BAM WOO EXPLOSION BRRRRRR CRASH BOOOM.
Men In Black IIIâThe Fresh Prince Of Secret Alien Police Squad is back, and this time he's time-travelling! Comes out May 25th.Pro: Josh Brolin does a killer Tommy Lee Jones impression. These films are always fun in a we-need-to-sell-toys-and-soft-drinks sorta way.Con: No Will Smith dance single? Was there really a MIB II? Why does Tommy Lee Jones look as though someone off-camera is pointing a gun at him and forcing him to say his lines? Air Conditioner Worthy? Ask yourself this: do you remember anything from the original MIB besides "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It?" If not, skip it. If so, step right up.
PrometheusâThe highly anticipated sorta-prequel to Alien from director Ridley Scott, starring Noomi Rapace (from the Swedish version of The Girl With A Dragon Tattoo) and Michael Fassbender as a David Bowie-ish robot. Comes out June 8th.Pro: Alien is a sci-fi horror movie classic, and this is the most promising-looking film Scott has made in nearly a decade. It's got a good cast, a good amount of mystery surrounding the plot, and maybe we'll even get a chestburster or two!Con: Wait, a Ridley Scott film without Russell Crowe? Air Conditioner Worthy? We'd probably stay to watch this even if the air conditioning broke halfway through the film.
Rock Of AgesâTom Cruise plays Tom Cruise if Tom Cruise were a cheesier Axl Rose. Also, lots of Broadway-ized versions of '80s hair rock. Opens June 15th.Pro: If you loved the Broadway smash hit, you're sure to love it even more with big movie stars: in addition to Cruise, there's Russell Brand, Paul Giamatti, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Alec Baldwin. Con: Do you really want to see Mamma Mia: The '80s? Really? Air Conditioner Worthy? On the one hand, "Wanted Dead Or Alive" is the best. On the other hand, we'd be very happy if we never heard "Don't Stop Believing" ever again.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire HunterâIt's like Pride And Prejudice And Zombies, only with U.S. presidents and vampires! Opens June 22nd. Pro: If you hate slave owners, then you'll REALLY hate slave-owning vampires. Con: It's a really, really, really silly premiseâand the trailer makes it look ultra-serious. Wouldn't this be better with a couple knowing winks? Air Conditioner Worthy? We don't foresee a lot of catharsis for the nation with this one.
Magic MikeâWhile it's not necessarily a sure-thing blockbuster, it IS the ultimate Channing Tatum semi-biographical male stripping movie. Opens June 29th. Pro: Perfect for people who enjoy watching Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, and other Chipmunk-esque bros go topless. Also, Steven Soderbergh is directing it! The man makes two great films for every terrible one. Con: For a movie about male strippers directed by one of the most eclectic auteurs of the last two decades, the trailer makes it look surprisingly corny. Air Conditioner Worthy? This could end up being Striptease with dudes.
The Amazing Spider-ManâIt's reboot time already for everyone's favorite webslinger, and that means plenty of NYC destructoporn. Opens July 3rd. Pro: Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone are very appealing as the two leads. Wise-cracking Spider-Man seems to be evident, and so are other little details like homemade web shooters. The filmmakers are also not rushing into doing Green Goblin or Mary Jane, which means they have some sort of plan for more sequels, which seems like good news considering what a mess the third Spider-Man film was. Con: Early buzz is that they change Peter Parker's origins in very radical waysâthe whole point of his mythos is that he IS a random teen, and that this could have happened to anyone. But we're willing to see how this plays out. Air Conditioner Worthy? We're cautiously optimistic about this one, as long as they stay away from emo Spider-Man.
SavagesâOliver Stone takes a break from rewriting history to delve into the bizarre criminal world of polyamorous surfing stoners. Opens July 6th. Pro: The film is based on a trashy pulp novel, has a strong cast (including villains Benicio del Toro and Salma Hayek) and seems like a fun time. Con: The trailer makes it look like Domino. Gulp. Air Conditioner Worthy? Oliver Stone films are always bizarre and worth checking out, even when they're terrible. OK, that's not true: Alexander is miserable.
The Dark Knight RisesâLittle known film about a man who dresses up as a bat to deal with his grief over his parents murder. Opens July 20th. Pro: Literally everything. It's the only surefire must-see blockbuster this summer. Con: N/A. Air Conditioner Worthy? Go to hell if you even have to ask.
The Bourne LegacyâThe Bourne franchise is reborn (groan) with Jeremy Renner taking over for Matt Damon. Opens August 3rd. Pro: Tony Gilroy is in charge of writing and directing on the film, which is great. There's a really strong cast around Renner, including Edward Norton, Rachel Weisz, and lots of familiar faces from the rest of the Bourne films. Con: Renner was fantastic in The Hurt Locker, but a non-entity in his blockbuster appearances since (The Avengers, Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol). He has a huge Damon-sized hole to fill, too. Air Conditioner Worthy? Is it August already? Then yes.