Godzilla is poised to destroy the world all over again this weekend, but the NYC Office of Emergency Management is totally on top of this thing. In an interview with the Daily News, OEM Commissioner Joseph Bruno took time out from preparing for the devastating attack to address concerns about the impending monster. "He’s a big guy, but he’s not going to overtake the entire city, so we would try to determine what sectors of the city had to be moved," reassured Bruno, who is paid more than $205,000 a year to keep New Yorkers safe from fire-breathing monsters.
Advance footage of the forthcoming attack—which officials expect to begin at multiple locations across New York City starting at 7 p.m. on Thursday—shows the enormous reptilian monster laying waste to cities worldwide. It is unclear how Warner Bros. Pictures obtained the prescient footage, but Commissioner Bruno insists New York is ready. Here are more presumably real quotes from the Commissioner that may or may not put you at ease:
We have a system that’s a ‘hub and spoke’ approach. We [would] move people to a hub area and try to move them, for example to the Bronx, which is less likely to be impacted.
Looking at this, we’d be thinking, ‘What would a Godzilla attack do?’ ” says Office of Emergency Management Commissioner Joseph Bruno. “Clearly it would cause fire, explosions, casualties, damage, debris, bridges and tunnels being out. Roads being out, power issues and some slime. Those are issues that we do deal with — except for the slime.
Slime? Whatever, NYC runs on slime. (And that's the Sanitation Department's problem anyway.) Unfortunately, there's also this: an Army Reserves pilot says the American military will be unable to stop the monster. "I don’t think the Air Force could take Godzilla, and I don’t even think the Army or anybody in the world could take him," Chief Warrant Officer Bryan "Not With That Attitude" Campbell told Huffington Post. Oh well, guess it's our own fault for creating this monster. As HuffPo notes, Godzilla "was born from nuclear waste. Nukes won't work." Irony isn't dead, irony is death. Say your "prayers," fellow godless liberal east coast elites!
UPDATE: According to Wikipedia, Godzilla is a fictional Hollywood "picture show," and sources say it is unlikely that the titular monster will attack New York City this weekend. We regret the error, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. (Luckily, the Lincoln Square IMAX now sells reserved seats in advance.) Anyway, isn't it nice to know all of the "real" dangers in the world have been addressed, and officials can now have "fun" promoting summer blockbusters?
