This week the Internet saw a slight uptick in shamelessly contrarian clickbait think-pieces, with two essays in particular that managed to transcend the genre. Ordinarily we let these tempting baubles float on by without comment (we're too busy crafting our own contrarian clickbait), but like poop to a punchbowl, we are inexplicably drawn into the "conversation," such as it is. Someone ought to say something, so we'll keep this short and salty.

First, on Vice, it is posited that Radiohead sucks and makes music only "boring nerds" enjoy. This canard can be reduced to rubble with one rhetorical question: What real nerd could possibly enjoy a band which asserts that 2 + 2 = 5?

Over at BuzzFeed, you can read a thousand or so words about why Shakespeare is loathsome. The problem with this essay can be summed up in four words: We didn't read it. Why bother when we can listen to Richard Burton remind us that all of our contrarian human bullshit is ultimately just a transient shadow in a surreal phantasmagoria? (Yes, even this very blog post.)


William Shakespeare - Our Revels Now Are Ended...by poetictouch

On a positive note, there is no shortage of topics from which to craft contrarian clickbait blogs! If you're a blogger on deadline desperate for quick clicks, here are a few potential targets, on the house. We'll even give you the first sentence to get you started:

  • Why Mangos Are Overrated Everyone associates mangos with tropical paradise and Gauguin's life of leisure with those tan Tahitian hotties, but here's the thing: Nature's most ANNOYING fruit is the mango‐from laboriously peeling back the skin to picking its remnants out of your teeth, it's just a sloppy pain in the ass!
  • Oxygen Kind Of Sucks We're all supposed to get down on our filthy knees and kiss oxygen's feet for giving us life but you know what? Life is just one goddamn thing after another. Thanks for nothing, oxygen.
  • Geometry: America's Greatest Threat Boring Radiohead nerds insist that geometry is the essence of everything. Did you know it's also being used to kill Americans?
  • The Shitty Truth About Kittens: We're told that adorable kitten videos are the only thing driving the American economy, but the dirty truth is that they're an invasive species killing all the birds. Sorry birds, gotta save the economy!
  • Is It Our Fault Earth's So Fragile? Environmentalists love to make us feel guilty for ruining the planet, but isn't the problem that the Earth is just too freaking precious to hack it? Humanity to Earth: It's not us, it's YOU. Sack up.
  • 18 Reasons Why Sex Is Overrated This one writes itself, starting with "Dudes."