Author Fran Lebowitz has a lot of Opinions about New York City and all the people who live in it—just ask her about the annoying rich people invading our shores, or her best buddy former Mayor Bloomberg. This week, she gave us an informative diatribe on fashion—notably, Warby Parker ripped off her glasses, platform shoes are hideous, men in shorts are disgusting, and only the truly beautiful can get away with wearing yoga pants. Fran Lebowitz is probably in cahoots with your mother.

An Elle.com reporter interviewed Lebowitz about her unwavering devotion to men's shirts, suit jackets and Levi's. And they touched on a few of the many, many things Lebowitz doesn't approve of. Like, Brooks Brothers, for instance:

I used to buy all my shirts at Brooks [Brothers], but that was completely ruined about 20 years ago. They discontinued the shirt I liked. If I had only known this—I mean, if you're going to discontinue an item that thousands and thousands of people buy, announce it. Say, 'We will no longer be making our excellent Brooks Brothers cotton shirts that we made for 5,000 years. We're going to change them in some awful way. We're alerting you so you can buy a lifetime supply.' Shirts don't go bad, they're not peaches.

And platform shoes, which are both dangerous and unattractive:

The first time I ever saw platform shoes in the '70s, I knew they'd been revived from the '40s, and I felt sickened. And for whatever reason, they keep getting revived. They've come back four times. I wish we could let them die. They want to die. They were horrible then, they're horrible now. The lines on bellbottoms don't flatter, and neither do the lines on platforms.

But I guess they have to keep making them because teenagers see them and go, 'Wow, that's edgy.' If you're 18 right now, you think you invented platform shoes. You think you're doing something new. You think you've invented something so ugly that it's beautiful.

Lebowitz was the original hipster:

I feel very strongly that almost the entire city has copied my glasses. I went to a fashion show during fashion week, and everyone there had on my eyeglasses. Warby Parker has also copied my eyeglasses.

Here's what started happening: A few years ago, kids—and by which I mean, my friends kids—started coming up to me and saying, 'Fran, where'd you get those vintage glasses?'

And I said, 'They're not vintage. I've just owned them for a long time. They are vintage in the way I am.'

Men should keep their hairy stems covered up, for god's sake.

I have to say that one of the biggest changes in my lifetime, is the phenomenon of men wearing shorts. Men never wore shorts when I was young. There are few things I would rather see less, to tell you the truth. I'd just as soon see someone coming toward me with a hand grenade. This is one of the worst changes, by far. It's disgusting. To have to sit next to grown men on the subway in the summer, and they're wearing shorts? It's repulsive. They look ridiculous, like children, and I can't take them seriously.

It's like any other sort of revealing clothing, in that the people you'd most like to see them on aren't wearing them. And if they are, it's probably their job to wear them. My fashion advice, particularly to men wearing shorts: Ask yourself, 'Could I make a living modeling these shorts?' If the answer is no, then change your clothes. Put on a pair of pants.

And leggings are NOT PANTS (although maybe meggings are okay, provided you wear them with confidence.)

All these clothes that you see people wearing, the yoga clothes—even men wear them!—it's just another way of being in pajamas. You need more natural beauty to get away with things like that. What's so great thing about clothes is that they're artificial—you can lie, you can choose the way you look, which is not true of natural beauty. So if you're naturally beautiful, wear what you want, but that's .01% of people. Most people just aren't good looking enough to wear what they have on. They should change. They should get some slacks and a nice overcoat.

Live forever, Fran.