Citywide, approximately 1.7 million New Yorkers under the age of 18 have grappled or will have to grapple with what can be an incredibly awkward time: puberty.
In their new book, “This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained,” authors Dr. Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett discuss the science behind the awkward years, which now last longer and start earlier for the average kid than they did just a generation ago.
“Puberty lasts almost a decade now, as opposed to the three or four awkward years that most adults think of,” said Kroll Bennett. She said the book is designed to help parents with children ages 8 to 18.
“This Is So Awkward” offers grownups advice about how to talk through potentially tricky topics with kids, such as a first period, porn and more.
The book's overarching philosophy – whether it’s how to discuss porn or basic hygiene with kids – is that it’s never too early and it’s never too late to start these conversations.
“Just gauge the content of the conversation to the kid who's in front of you and just start talking,” Natterson said on a recent episode of WNYC’S “All of It.” If you try one way and you hit a dead end, that's OK. You have many years, try another.”
The book is full of data, personal stories and practical tips to help parents handle conversations about puberty. We caught up with local author Kroll Bennett, to discuss challenges of growing up in New York City, and how parents can help kids navigate this life phase.
Academic pressure starts young in NYC.
Many kids across the country experience the pressure cooker of college admissions, but in New York City, competition for school seats can start as early as preschool, with limited spots in some programs.
Starting in kindergarten, some kids deal with applications to (and potential rejection from) programs like Gifted & Talented, and later, middle and high school.
Kroll Bennett said children and parents need to first define what a pathway to success looks like for them.
“If their kids don't end up in the number one choice, there are so many opportunities to figure out who they are, hone their talents and find their people,” she said, adding that there are many routes to a meaningful life.
“It's easy to forget that because you're just surrounded by so much intensity, but as adults, it's our job not to lose sight of that.”
Many NYC kids feel the need to be extraordinary.
In a city filled with world-class visual artists, performing artists, photographers, influencers and fashion designers – pretty much any kind of creative profession you can think of – Kroll Bennett said there can be loads of pressure for kids to feel like they have to be extraordinary.
“Kids are going to try on a million identities between middle school and high school and beyond. And that's great,” she said. “But ultimately, I hope that they don't look to imitate the people they see around New York, that they look inside and figure out who they are most authentically.”
Kids in NYC have easy access to the city at a young age – which can be exciting but also scary.
Unlike, say, suburban kids, who may rely upon an adult with a car to get them places, young people in New York City can pretty much get anywhere they want, unsupervised, with a swipe of a card or a tap of a phone, thanks to the subway, CitiBike, taxis, Uber and more.
Kroll Bennett said the best way to handle that easy access to the city is through regular dialogue.
“It requires many conversations with kids over time,” she said. “The first conversation with your kid in fifth grade when they were first starting to ride the bus on their own. Maybe in seventh grade they start going to parties and they're sharing an Uber or they're taking a subway at night. Each conversation becomes increasingly sophisticated. And it has to meet the kid where they are at that moment.”
Vanessa Kroll Bennett
All that easy access to the city can mean easy access to grownup realities.
“There's scary stuff that happens on the train, on the street, late at night.” she said. “Kids might feel like if they've broken curfew or if they're in a neighborhood they're not supposed to be in, they’ll be worried about telling their parents that they need help.”
She noted that most parents would want their kids to call for help rather than stay stuck in a situation that felt scary, even if the child had been disobedient.
“Parents need to communicate to their kids that they can call them anytime, no matter what, and that their safety is more important than anything else.”
So what if parents have set the wrong rules? Or if your parenting is off-kilter?
Kroll Bennett said parents can often feel like the rules, expectations, and boundaries they’ve set with young people can be outdated.
In these cases, Kroll Bennett says one option to consider is what she calls a “do-over."
“When you've made a rule as a parent and you messed up the rule and you need to set a new rule,” she explained. “Or you flipped out at your kid and you should have had a more calm response and you got to apologize.”
“I encourage New York parents to give themselves permission to revisit the conversation and engage your kid in what makes sense for them,” she said.
“Don't be afraid to be flexible as time progresses because the city doesn't sleep and kids are exposed to all sorts of new and exciting stuff.”
