We have nothing against football. We do have a problem sitting through a 4-hour orgy of commerce and overweight millionaires concussing each other to the glee of billionaires. And there's Madonna. So what's a curmudgeon to do? Here are five suggestions to ward off the face-painted bandwagon-jumpers and the insipid dialogue they will inevitably pitch on Gchat tomorrow.
Shitty Movie Theater
It's Sunday, so you may have a hankering to stare at something. May we suggest Tiptoes? This 2003 classic stars Matthew McConaughey as an arrogant firefighter, Kate Beckinsale as the woman who loves him, and—in the role of a lifetime—Gary Oldman as McConaughey's dwarf brother. While your friends at the water cooler are laughing about how stupid the halftime show was, you can regale them with tales of "midget sex" and Gary Oldman's feat of filming the entire thing on his knees. Sure, you can't rent it anywhere (and next-day Amazon shipping doesn't help). But we have it on good authority that enough Googling will yield a streaming link. If that fails, try Harley Davidson & The Marlboro Man, which is on Netflix.
Clean Your Bike Chain
This was the thing you were totally gonna do after you went to Trader Joe's and called your great aunt to thank her for the stolen library book she gave you for your birthday. But look at your poor bike's chain: it's matted with pigeon feathers and the souls of so many puddles. Throw on some Fleetwood Mac and just get this done. You'll feel like you're accomplishing something if you slug a beer with greased-up hands, too.
Tompkins Square Dog Run
An excellent accompaniment to The Puppy Bowl, this is our most favorite dog run in the world and should be stocked with pooches whose owners have waited until halftime to let their antsy friends loose. It's also an excellent place to go ratting. Throw a toddy in your travel mug and steep in the joy of watching dogs take the night.
Get Cultured
Remember when you were chain smoking with your college roommate and told them that one of the reasons you were moving to New York City was all the "amazing jazz?" Well, you said it you worthless sot, now put your money where your mouth is. One of the "world's finest clarinet players," Victor Goines, is playing two sets with his quartet at the despicably-named Dizzy's Club Coca-Cola tonight. Or there's Birdland, or the Blue Note, or Arthur's Tavern or—just put the Bugles down. Alternatively, try and sneak into Fred Armisen's sold-out set at Union Pool, you fucking hipster.
Feel Sorry For Yourself
Aw, you and your ex used to watch the Super Bowl together in matching Giants snuggies? That hot date pull the fade out on you after a botched kiss? Your cat lose the contest? Enter a world of pitch darkness, fog, and softcore porn flickering gently on the wall above you like a fleshy altar. St. Jerome's has $2 Budweisers until midnight tonight. Take a seat at the bar and shut up: they'll understand.
